University of Brattleboro

When I was very young, I saw "JAWS," in the movie theater. It appears to have permanently altered my brain, because even today, if I find myself swimming in the Connecticut River, I become so panicked (if a stick brushes across my leg, for example) that I thrash in the water due to fear that I am about to lose a limb to a hungry shark. Of all people, I should know that there are no sharks in the Connecticut River. Some knowledgeable person might disagree and say that near the mouth of the river where it pours into Long Island Sound, that it is possible an occasional bull shark might make their way up it. But, I personally worked on the fish ladder in Vernon, Vt., when I first moved to Brattleboro, and know that there are at least two dams between those hungry fish and our stretch of the river. Bull Sharks cannot and do not make it up the fish ladder. I am safe to swim here. Did Steven Spielberg, the director of "JAWS," know that he was throwing needless fear out into young viewers, like pennies thrown off a plane, landing willy-nilly and altering lives forever? Who knows? And, I have no way of asking Mr. Spielberg. But, as readers of this column know, I do have what appear to be the notebooks of T. P. James, a very real resident of Brattleboro from the 1870s. And in these notebooks, he "confesses," or lies to having obtained five or so "Micro Sharks From Micronesia." Is this in complete jest? We don't know. It seems impossible (or nearly impossible) that in 1879, the last year he lived in Brattleboro, he could somehow purchase any such tiny sharks, and get them delivered. But it's such a funny story and it would be funnier if it was true. T.P. Jame's notebooks indicate that he tried, for largely unstated reasons, to establish a local population. This quote, from volume 4, suggests that he meant no harm, at least to people. "My little frog hunters appear to be doing well," he wrote. "And, I am pleased at how quiet and tranquil the pool was this week. I am sorry for the mayhem they may have caused to the froggies. But I need peace. I can't write without peace." I personally love the sound of frogs, and it would be a terrible thing to do. I suspect this all just an elaborate story. He didn't really get sharks brought to him from Asia, and he did not really put them out anywhere. I think he was too kind of a man to do that. I think it's more likely this was an elaborate story written for his friend's children. Evidence for this is that he left a cryptogram in his notebook, which is so easy to solve, it is clear he wanted children to be able to read it. Also, he wrote the following. "I left Shark-stones, all around the puddle pool. I hope someone finds them. And if they do find them, I hope that they don't take all of them. Maybe they will leave at least one on the bank. And maybe they will make more of their own animal stones and place them at the pool. (They are not hard to make with a Dremel, once you know how.) Now that would really put my spirit at ease." I also learned to be afraid of ghosts, but as I have no bad intentions towards T. P. James, I have hopes his ghost has none for me. Peace on everyone. Rolf Parker-Houghton is the Dean of the University of Brattleboro, the oldest, non-existent university in the world. The University of Brattleboro funds its projects by sales of t-shirts that are at the Harmony Arts Gallery, in Brattleboro. If you do, please email me a picture at booksfromvermont@yahoo.com. Be sure to put Treasure Fun, as the title of your subject, or I will never find it.